Anxious Attachment and Burnout + Reflection prompts

If we had not experienced a secure upbringing where our physiological and emotional needs were consistently met by our primary caregivers, we may develop an insecure attachment style, one of which is an anxious attachment style.

As we grow into adults and gain independence from our caregivers, adult relationships- personal and professional, fulfil the same functions as early caregiver relationships.

In general, anxious attachers often exhibit the following behaviours and tendencies:

• Overthinking and hyper-vigilance

• Over-reliance on others for constant reassurance and approval

• Difficulty trusting others

• Feel jealousy and envy frequently

• Suffer from low self-esteem and negative perceptions of oneself

• Frequently engage in people-pleasing behaviours to avoid disapproval and rejection from others

  In our closest and most intimate relationships, an anxious attacher may rely on unhealthy self-soothing coping mechanisms when their old beliefs shaped by their early or formative relationships are triggered, including:

• Attempts to be as physically and emotionally close to their partner as possible

• Being over-critical to real or perceived threats to the relationship

• Engaging in unsolicited self-sacrificing behaviours, which may cause resentment in the long term

• Using guilt to "win" conflicts

  At work, regardless of their rank or position, anxious attachers often:

• Subject themselves to over-conformity to the team or group's wishes

• Censor or alter their true thoughts and ideas, which impacts productivity

• Feel over-sensitive to feedback and others’ emotions

• Feel under-valued and appreciated often, whether real or perceived

• Suffer disproportionately from work stressors due to decreased emotional regulation abilities

• Report higher levels of burnout

  
  In both contexts, anxious attachers frequently engage in behaviours that are driven by a fear of how they would be perceived and received by others, at the expense of authentic expression. This self-consciousness may result in altering or censoring their true thoughts, ideas and feelings in personal and professional relationships for fear of disapproval or rejection.

  Anxious attachers also overly rely on external parties to provide assurance that they are valued and appreciated, leaving their self-esteem at the mercy of others.
  
  

  How do we develop a more secure attachment with ourselves and others?
  
  
  Reflect on your role in perpetuating unhealthy dynamics

• If you have spent a great part of your life putting others before yourself, you may believe that the dynamic of giver-taker and victim-perpetrator are here to stay.

• However, the choice to continue consistently accommodating others at one’s expense is an active one.

• Your partner, boss or colleague may be complicit in making the environment unsafe for you to express your true thoughts and needs. But who is enabling this dynamic to persist, and why?

• Leaving these dynamics unchallenged would continue to reinforce one’s belief that their self-esteem is a group decision, and that a person cannot feel accepted and thrive in society unless they meet others' needs consistently, all the time.

  
  
  Turn your traits into strengths

• Imagine if you could turn your behavioural traits into strengths, what would that look like and how could that benefit you and what you want to achieve?

  Identify your needs, deepen your self-knowledge and practice!

• Anxious attachers are experts when it comes to picking up minute details on others’ emotions, behaviours and actions. However, they fare poorly when asked to identify and state their own needs.

• By channelling some of the significant attention we devote to others inwardly, we develop a deeper self-understanding of our own needs and wants, and gain valuable information on trigger identification.

• This knowledge could then help inform the development of healthier coping and regulation mechanisms.

• With a deeper self-knowledge, we can practice stating and expressing our needs to others. It may feel scary in the beginning as we are challenging enduring patterns of behaviours. In this process, We can consider seeking support from trusted others or seek professional help to smoothen the process.

• I help clients in this transition process as they deepen their self-awareness, and practice expressing themselves with confidence and congruence to achieve their desired outcomes.

Sources:

A Meta-analysis of Attachment At Work, Kate N. Warnock, Christina S. Ju and Ian M. Katz, 2024, Springer Link

Attachment Style on Workplace Deviance: A Moderated Mediation Analysis, Weijiao Ye, Huijun Zhao, Xiaoxiao Song, Ziqiang Li , Jingxuan Liang, 2022