The Comparison Wound: causes, consequences and choices
You did it. You got what you’ve been working so hard for. But instead of the pride and the sense of accomplishment you expected to feel, there is only relief, and fatigue.
If this sounds familiar, you were likely striving for something you had thought you wanted, but might not really have wanted at all.
Most people who find themselves in this position often start looking for the next milestone to strive for, rather than to take a moment to experience the incongruence of expectation versus reality, and to get curious about what the mismatch is trying to tell them about their life priorities and direction.
They get stuck in a loop known as anxious striving, which feels like an all-too familiar script.
Comparison wounds fuel anxious striving
Comparison is not always negative.
Healthy comparison can inspire us, and energise us with warmth and positivity to work on something we find meaningful. In contrast, unhealthy comparison makes us feel worse about ourselves; like a wound that won’t scab over. Unhealthy comparison can result in a state of constant anxiety that impairs our confidence and self-esteem, and blocks our ability to experience deep enjoyment and gratitude in life.
Key features of comparison wounds:
Enduring feelings of never feeling good enough, or having enough
Having a harsh inner critic that rears its head often, especially when you make mistakes
Feeling inadequate and triggered when witnessing the success of others
Fuelled by the belief that there is a specific timeline to meet certain milestones in life
Struggling to feel proud of your own achievements, however big or small
Struggling to determine the right amount of effort and energy to devote to tasks and people
A constant sense of anxiety and fear of “falling behind” and “losing out”
Acting out of fear, rather than excitement and aligned energy
Using your achievements as a protective mechanism from social judgement rather than sources of pride
Many of our comparison wounds are very old. They originate from home and schooling environments that focused on outcomes rather than experiences, where criticism and comparison were used as tools to facilitate constant self-improvement and progress.
Many people who grew up in environments that normalised comparison culture carry a zero-sum mentality that says: “someone else’s gain is my loss”, and they often mistakenly equate achievements-related praise with love.
If you had experienced unclear expectations, or constantly shifting standards on what is “good enough” from authority figures in your life, your comparison wounds likely run deeper, and get triggered more easily.
These comparison wounds, if left unaddressed, follow us into adulthood. At work and in our adult relationships, many of us subconsciously place ourselves in familiar dynamics of anxious striving and validation-seeking that mirror the past.
How comparison wounds fuel unhealthy coping mechanisms
Since a tender age, we have been socialised to internalise notions of success that are prized by family and society. We are taught that pursuing these “markers of success” are good and inherently worthy of our time, energy and effort.
Society rewards those who strive to achieve those markers of success with social status, prestige and material wealth - even if it comes with huge downsides to one’s personal mental and physical wellness.
With the normalisation of social media, our comparison wounds get triggered more easily. The ability to access the idealised lives of others 24/7 through a lit-up screen means that every LinkedIn update or Instagram story can trigger deep-seated feelings of envy and jealousy that impact our self-esteem negatively. In the aftermath, one may even experience guilt and shame for being “bad”- judging ourselves for feeling envious of others, rather than being happy for them.
Despite intellectually knowing that the content we consume are simply carefully curated snapshots of others’ lives and never the full picture, the comparison wound inevitably intensifies feelings of inadequacy, self-doubt and failure.
When one’s comparison wounds are triggered, the scarcity mindset kicks in. We start believing that we want what others have. We minimise the costs that comes with attaining that promotion, lifestyle or physical appearance. What we have in our lives suddenly seem to pale in comparison.
To cope with the anxiety that arises when our comparison wounds are triggered, many people rely on unhealthy coping mechanisms to establish a (false) sense of control. They may develop addictive behaviours like frequent substance use to enter altered states, or engage in the relentless accumulation of material wealth and status symbols.
They may also develop an obsession with self-improvement and upskilling, rooted in the belief that they are a constant work-in-progress. These coping mechanisms divert attention away from confronting the core of the issue- the feeling of not being good enough.
Research into human happiness and satisfaction have long shown that success was never about clinching that next promotion, securing that material upgrade or getting another certification.
Success is, and has always been, a feeling. It’s a feeling that arrives when we set goals with intention, take action with purpose, and respect our energy and needs in the process of striving.
Shift from anxious striving to aligned striving
Many people appear successful, but few of them feel truly successful. That’s also why many people justify staying in roles and relationships despite feeling deeply unhappy and unfulfilled.
I was one of those people for a long time, stuck in a cycle of anxious striving to meet all that was expected of me, without giving deep thought on what expectations I had for myself and my future.
When we learn to define what success means to us as an individual, and we’re able to articulate it to ourselves and others, we transform the experience of striving.
I’ve worked with many incredible and capable human beings who carry comparison wounds that make them believe that they will never be enough, or have enough. Because of deeply conditioned fears of judgement and failure, or of the unfamiliar, many people feel controlled by these limiting beliefs that rob them of clarity on who they are, and what they can achieve.
Journeying with them through my discovery-focused approach has been my privilege as I witness their shifts from anxious to aligned striving. As their self-knowledge and awareness grow, they learn to befriend their anxieties and develop self-trust to pursue their own ideas and visions of success.
How to feel like you have truly arrived
One of my favourite quotes of all time goes like this:
“I trust the next chapter, because I know the author.”
When we are clear on our priorities and what success means to us, and we match our energy, effort and time to pursue them, our sense of self grows because we understand the core motivations - the why - of what we are striving for.
As our sense of self grows stronger, we begin to appreciate our uniqueness, and recognise the strengths and attributes that make us who we are.
We begin to understand that life is not a race, and everyone is simply on their own journey. We pursue our desired outcomes with joyful motivation, because success is a feeling made available to us not only in the outcome, but through the process.
When our comparison wounds feel activated, we remain steadfast as we are clear on why we’re walking this path regardless of how unfamiliar or unconventional it may feel.
Because of the thoughtful effort put into setting standards and goals that reflect your own definitions of success, your comparison wounds will grow smaller and gradually lose its power over you and the decisions you make. By making the active choice to meet yourself with deep and genuine curiosity, you set up the conditions for the true sense of accomplishment you have been looking for to arrive.
After all, if you don’t like the role in the script you’re currently in, why not try writing your own narrative?